Thursday, 1 March 2018

2017 Schurmys - Genre Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Genre Awards

Your Name
Welcome to the Genre portion of the 2017 Schurmann Film Awards. This is where we celebrate the best comedies, science fiction films, action movies, documentaries, short films and many more. You know, the films that normally get overlooked by the typical awards circuit. Appearing in this section certainly doesn't disqualify a film from major awards, I just wanted to specifically highlight great feats of genre filmmaking.

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

2017 Schurmys - Television Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Television Awards

Bojack Horseman
Ah, television. I would like to officially welcome the medium to the Schurmann Film Blog. It's a big step in becoming a legitimate art form. In fact, I believe it only needs to get a former star elected to highest office in the land and oh wait... not him. He doesn't count. Let's just wait for President Oprah.

Anyways, welcome to the television section of the Schurmann Film Awards. I will be honouring the best the medium had to offer in 2017, or at least the best that I saw. There is so much television out there I can't even pretend that these awards are anywhere close to definitive. There's no Walking Dead or Big Bang Theory or Kit Harrington nominations so consider these to be above the Emmys but still below an actual awards ceremony like the Nobel Laureates. For your reference so you don't yell at me asking where season 3 of Fargo is (for the record I didn't really care for season 2 so I didn't watch season 3) I'll be linking a list of all the television I watched this year. That link is conveniently right here. And now, the 2017 Television Awards portion of the Schurmys.

Tuesday, 27 February 2018

2017 Schurmys - Technical Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Technical Awards

Wonder Woman
Welcome to the first batch of awards being handed out. These are the technical awards. You probably don't know the names of the people doing this work (and neither do I and I fully accept that that makes me terrible) but the work they do is as important as the famous stars wearing their costumes, parading around their sets or being buried by CGI. These unsung heroes get a chance to step into the spotlight today.

Monday, 26 February 2018

2017 Schurmys - An Introduction

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

An Introduction

Okja
Welcome to the 2017 edition of The Schurmys. This is the first year they will be taking place on this blog spread over multiple days instead of being released as one giant Google document on Oscar morning. This year I have a week long celebration of the best (and worst) of 2017 in film and television planned so be sure to come back every day to stay up to speed.

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Hub

Molly's Game
Welcome to the 2017 Schurmann Film Awards (aka The Schurmys) where I honour the best (and worst) in film and television from the year that was 2017. This is the hub containing the schedule and links to the various posts.

Monday - Introduction (w/ Video Celebration)
Tuesday - Technical Awards
Wednesday - Television Awards
Thursday - Genre Awards
Friday - Worst Awards

I, Tonya

Monday, 29 January 2018

The Last Face Puts White Romance Over African Suffering

The Last Face

Director - Sean Penn
Writer - Erin Dignam
Starring - Javier Bardem, Charlize Theron, Adele Exarchopoulos

I'm going to just spare you the suspense on this one. This is a fucking terrible movie. Stop. Don't get excited. This isn't The Book of Henry or even The Snowman. No, this isn't even similar to another Cannes failure about White people existing in foreign lands, The Sea of Trees. This is a travesty of a film that doesn't even have the dignity to let the audience laugh at it (except for sexy tooth brushing). I'm going to do the best that I can to prevent you from ever seeing this film. You'll read things here and imagine them being hilariously terrible but don't bother. Sean Penn doesn't play by normal rules. He imagines this as a grand epic romance that also showcases the plight of Africans and inspires us to action. Well, Sean Penn is a fucking moron.

Monday, 15 January 2018

Mister Viewer, You Could Have Saved Yourself. I Gave You All the Clues.

Opening Act: The Snowman

The Snowman resembles a good movie for all of about 10 seconds. That's how long the beautiful shots of the frozen, desolate Norwegian wilderness look firmly establishing the isolation of a house. Once the film enters the house though, it immediately begins to fall apart in a completely dumbfounding manner. To put yourself in the proper headspace for what this movie is you only need to know one thing. It is about a police detective played by Michael Fassbender named Harry Hole tracking a serial killer who makes snowmen at crime scenes. It is not a comedy. This opening scene is a piece of backstory that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with Mr. Hole (Disclaimer: I have basically no idea what happens in this movie. It's a complete mess and I stopped caring about trying to put the pieces together especially once I realized that about half the pieces were missing because they didn't film the entire script. This is a bad movie.) but exists to establish the world. Take a look for yourself.

Monday, 1 January 2018

Schurmy Classics - 1957 Part III: The Big Ones

Schurmy Classics

Part III: The Big Ones

The Cranes Are Flying
Here it is, what you've patiently waited for. You may have even read the other parts of this edition of Schurmy Classics while you were waiting. I applaud you for doing so. Every award in this section will have honourable mentions because 1957 was too good to limit myself to just the nominees. You've already read too much to have to sit through more preamble so let's just move onto the awards.

Part I: Technical Awards
Part II: Genre Awards

Friday, 29 December 2017

Schurmy Classics - 1957 Part II: Genre Awards

Schurmy Classics

Part II: Genre Awards

Night of the Demon
Welcome to day two of the 1957 Schurmy Awards. If you missed day one you missed a lot of fun. The technical awards were handed out honouring the best CGI from 1957. Today we are honouring the genre awards. Best Comedy, Best Horror Film, Best Foreign Language Film and many more fun, incredibly specific awards such as Best Performance in a Bad Movie. Now without further ado, I present the second part of Schurmy Classics - 1957.

Part I: Technical Awards

Thursday, 28 December 2017

Schurmy Classics - 1957 Part I: The Technical Awards

Schurmy Classics - 1957

Part I: The Technical Awards

12 Angry Men
Welcome to Schurmy Classics, a leaner, stripped down version of the Schurmys. Or at least that what they are supposed to be in theory. The 1977 edition is exactly that. This one, however, grew and grew and while it is not quite as massive as the regular edition, they certainly aren't lean. This should be obvious by the part i in the title of this post. There will be three parts. The technical awards today, the genre awards tomorrow and the major awards two days from now. For those of you unfamiliar with the Schumys they are the most important movie awards known to man that exist solely on Google Docs. You can find them on the sidebar. Warning, attempting to read the full text of a Schurmy Award document will cause a rift in space-time resulting in an you experiencing an unfathomable skip forward in time losing precious days from your existence. You should probably go for it though, you weren't going to do anything with that time anyways. This post will still be here when you get back, Google has assured me it will still be up after their AI rises up and takes over the world.


For this second edition of Schurmy Classics I decided to pick one of the best years in film history, 1957. It is the year wherein Hollywood (and the British system) put out classics such as 12 Angry Men, Witness for the Prosecution, Paths of Glory, and An Affair to Remember. The Western was still going strong with 3:10 to Yuna, Gunfight at the OK Corral, The Tin Star, Forty Guns and The Tall T. Horror fans saw the release of classics of the genre like The Incredible Shrinking Man and Night of the Demon. Media satires were being formed in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? and A Face in the Crowd. The classic film noir was in its twilight years but saw the release of one of the greatest examples of the genre with Sweet Smell of Success. The continued decline of the Hayes Code saw films tackle darker sides of society such as addiction, mental illness and pretty much everything else as in A Hatful of Rain, The Three Faces of Eve and Peyton Place. There were two Fred Astaire musicals in Funny Face and Silk Stockings and  enjoyable romantic comedies like Designing Woman and Love in the Afternoon. And that is without even mentioning the frankly ridiculous number of foreign masterpieces from the year. This was intended to be a shorter project but as I got more and more into it I kept finding films I wanted to watch and needed to watch. This year is so good that The Bridge on the River Kwai does not make my top 10. It does show up several times in the technical awards though so you can expect to see it in today's section.

A full list of films watched for this project and thus taken into consideration for awards can be found on my Letterboxd account.A quick note for the really anal people who may have actually noticed something: Films are taken under consideration if their first release of any kind occurred in 1957 as opposed to the modern Schurmy standard of using North American theatrical release for consideration. This decision was made to make it incredible simple to determine eligibility of films and you only noticed this because I'm pointing it out.