An Incomplete List of Stupid Things From Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

It's Colin Trevorrow's world and we're just living in it

It's no surprise that the newest mega budget dinosaur action blockbuster is a very stupid movie. It's the fifth movie in the Jurassic franchise and the fourth consecutive stupid entry. If you were expecting this movie, wherein the heroes of the Jurassic World get back together to go to an island that is literally exploding due to volcanic activity to save the dinosaurs, to be a smart, nuanced tale that expertly explores scientific methods, environmental protectionism and activism then you may be a direct relative of Colin Trevorrow (hello Colin's mom! I love your son's work, I sincerely mean that). Maybe you expected a reasonable, entertaining popcorn movie; well did you see the first Jurassic World? It was a fucking trainwreck of a film. And did you see The Book of Henry? That's the most special movie in the whole wide world.

Well I figured a movie of this magnitude couldn't possibly be covered by a normal review. It's such an avalanche of hilarious, stupid shit that trying to talk about it a normal, coherent manner is all but impossible. A word of warning though: I will not be holding back, there will be spoilers.

Opening Scene:

1. The mercenaries trying to collect the remains of Indominus Rex seem very well equipped and professional but they don't even do a basic scan for dinosaurs, like say, a large water dinosaur capable of swallowing their submersible whole

2. The mercenaries leave their only tech guy alone and unarmed, outside, surrounded by jungle, on an island infested with dinosaurs, on a dark and stormy night and then seem surprised he gets attacked by a T Rex

3. The large water dinosaur escapes, it is literally the least important thing to happen in the entire movie.

Pre-Island:

4. Dinosaur activists just seem stupid in this world. It's been very, very, very well documented how dinosaurs love to eat people. Jeff Goldblum gets it. He's also the last person in the movie who wants to see the dinosaurs die.

5. Like this could have been an interesting debate. The fate of the dinosaurs, but instead it is only done as Ian Malcolm's testimony and a few talking heads on TVs. No characters have a conversation about it (well I guess you could kinda say Owen and Claire do but they talk more about who broke up with who then they do the fate of the dinosaurs)

6. Actually, why is Claire pro-dinosaur? Her last encounter with them saw many people dead and a state of the art theme park utterly destroyed. She only survived by pure luck.

7. In the three years since the last film Owen lived with Claire, left and built a quarter of a house.

8. Owen is converted to the pro-dinosaur side of the debate by watching old videos of himself and Baby Blue. Because Velociraptors are basically dogs.

Island:

9. As we follow the little Cessna like plane carrying Claire, Owen, Vet Girl and Nerdy Guy to the island we have not been given any sort of hint as to what they are planning on doing. No mention of help or supplies or anything so the grand, sweeping camera movements following the plane, giving it gravitas and importance make you think, is this seriously their fucking plan? Load the dinosaurs onto a fucking Cessna?

10. Oh, it's a big army thing. That's not suspicious at all.

11. So now that they're at the island I guess we should address the whole exploding island thing. You know how awkward it is when you watch a sitcom and in like season 6 they introduce a random uncle who despite being introduced as an important part of the family, has been absent for 5 years and it feels cheap and tacky. Multiply that feeling by about a million with regards to this exploding volcano thing. Did nobody involved with the building of the multiple theme parks on the island seen concerned with the possibility of this volcano reactivating.

12. Oh, it's ok, there was totally a throwaway line about how it used to be dormant, which just leads to the next question of how did it go from dormant to so active it's going to destroy the entire island in the 3 years since the last movie with absolutely no detection whatsoever. Did somebody drop a nuke in there or something?

13. Moving on, Owen finds and refriends Blue in about 30 seconds (because velociraptors are dogs)

14. OMG, the army is evil. Nobody saw that coming.

15. Owen escapes the lava the same way Jordan Belfort crawled down the stairs during the quaaludes scene in The Wolf of Wall Street.

16. The lava even melts his watch off his hand leaving behind no damage.

17. The first dinosaur Claire encounters on her mission to save all the dinosaurs, she kills. Sure it was trying to kill her, but in all her activism did she forget that predatory dinosaurs exist?

18. That whole Claire and Nerdy Guy vs. Dinosaur scene is so bad. Dripping lava from the ceiling, what the fuck. Volcano with Tommy Lee Jones has more realistic lava properties.

19. Dinosaur Stampede!! Hey look, one of the old rolling ball things and oh wait, an angry T Rex type thing, but wait, T Rex is here to protect his friends from the end of the last movie.

20. Dinosaurs can't swim. Sure it's almost certainly accurate, but it's fucking hilarious.

21. During the middle of a volcanic eruption of apocalyptic proportions this army captured the T Rex in about 15 seconds off screen.

22. Owen saves Claire and Nerdy Guy from drowning in the bubble car thing and then they all wash up on the unexploded beach? Sure, I guess you can't kill your protagonists 45 minutes into the movie.

23. They jump a cargo truck from the dock onto the boat leaving a bunch of sad dinosaurs behind to DIE.

On a Boat

24. Immediately upon parking the truck, Claire finds a John Deere trucker hat and puts it on for no reason (maybe as a disguise, but she is never shown encountering anybody between this truck and Nerdy Girl)

25. In fact the next time we see her is when she finds Nerdy Girl trying to care for Blue (who got shot, because the Army is the Army is they shoot things first and ask questions later)

26. Ok, the only way to save Blue's life is a blood transfusion. And Blue's the last living velociraptor so guess where the blood has to come from... T Rex of course

27. Now to find somebody qualified to draw blood from a dinosaur, how about the lady who once helped out at a blood drive? The dinosaur doctor is too busy applying pressure to the wound, which is something only medical professionals can do, unlike drawing blood from veins.

28. Hey look, it's the T Rex cage, wonder what kind of security measures they have on it. Oh, a flimsy hinge... that's it. To transport a large predatory animal capable of wrecking complete havoc upon every living thing on this boat they locked it in with weaker measures than U Haul uses on their moving trucks.

29. Anyways, Claire and Owen just climb into the T Rex cage and Claire decides the best way to get blood is to ride the dinosaur like a horse.

30. It turns out stabbing the T Rex like it's Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction is a good way to wake it up. But that's ok, Owen will just jump through its mouth to the safety of the flimsy hinge.

31. Hey look, the Frankenscience blood transfusion worked!

The Lockwood Estate: The Fanciest (and Safest) Place for a Dinosaur Auction

32. Toby Jones is introduced as a representative of buyers willing to pay millions of dollars for dinosaurs so Eli can uhh... something? It's like there was an actual motivation for Eli to raise money for the Estate but Colin Trevorrow never bothered to put any specifics in there so he ended up with a worse motivation than just wanting money.

33. Toby Jones is irate that dinosaur collection from an island that is literally exploding is a tricky and complicated job and threatens to pull all of his buyers out of the deal.

34. You know, because he can take them down the street to the other dinosaur salesman.

35. Anyways Eli immediately falls for the world's worst bluff and takes Toby Jones to the secret basement lab accessed by the elevator in the middle of the big dinosaur fossil room, in the centre of the house (but it's secure, it needs a code and nobody, especially not a child, could see the code being entered in plain sight)

36. Remember how dumb it was that they were making some sort of super dinosaur for combat purposes in the last movie. Guess what they're doing in this movie? I guess when you hire Dr. Wu (cue the Steely Dan song) he only comes with one idea.

37. But hey, this one's different. It can be controlled. All it takes is... uhh... the DNA of Blue? Because loyalty to your trainer is a hereditary trait...

38. One last thing about the Indo Raptor (because naming things is hard) for now is that you can set targets for it by aiming a red dot at a person, you know a red dot that comes out of the sight of a sniper rifle, the exact thing they use to set this dot. Now I'm not a soldier or combat expert in any way but if you've got the thing lined up long enough for the raptor to notice, couldn't you just, you know, shoot it?

39. Hey look, the boat made it to the mainland intact and Owen and Claire have managed to hide as drivers (real strong security measures there guys). What about Nerdy Guy, haha, he's mistaken for a sailor and given his weight in rope. Surely this will come back late (it doesn't) (it's not even a good joke)

40. So Owen and Claire's plan is to drive the truck as part of the caravan basically until they reach the Estate and then try the world's most obvious escape into a remote forest. Guess security was right to just let them drive the truck, they got free labour out of it.

41. Hey look, a spare dinosaur cage to throw them into, and it just happens to be beside the ramming dinosaur (whom I shall refer to as Rammstein from now on)

42. Turns out the security actually is shit. Once the auction starts (almost immediately after throwing Claire and Owen into dino jail) nobody pays attention to anything that happens in the dinosaur basement. Nobody is physically there and nobody is watching any security monitors. This is very helpful for the inmates if they want to get crafty.

43. Nobody's ever thought of a craftier plan than getting Rammstein to break through the brick wall between the cells and then the iron bars of the cell door.

44. Ok, so dinosaur auction. First thing first. the setup for the room is just awful. Toby Jones can't see half the bidders because of the dinosaur cages being wheeled in. How are people on the opposite side of the room supposed to bid on their new killing machine pets?

45. Yeah, I'm still not sure what all these illegal arms dealers want dinosaurs for. They're pretty shitty at being controlled and tens of millions of dollars seems like a lot for the equivalent of a randomly tossed grenade.

46. Or maybe they just want status symbol pets? I just don't understand rich people.

47. There's tons of security hanging around the auction but so far Owen and Claire have managed to meet up with Maisie (who also broke out of her room, went to James Cromwell's room, took a book from his dead body, and dumbwaitered to the basement)

48. Yes, I'm pretty sure the dumbwaiter goes to the secret dinosaur lab

49. Sidebar: How the hell did Eli get this dinosaur lab up and running without raising suspicions? Surely it took lots of construction and installation of cages and laboratory equipment and whatnot to facilitate the ongoing breeding of weaponized raptors, with dozens of workers commuting to and from the premises, all under the nose of James Cromwell and Maisie and the super British nanny who all seem to always be home.

50. Back to the security complaint I was trying to make. So Owen and Claire and Maisie and free to watch the dino auction and travel back and forth between the dino jail and auction room. What the fuck is security doing?

51. Eli's a greedy son of a bitch for no reason. Again, there seems to be an unwritten motivation here because now he's selling the fancypants new raptor he couldn't not show off. Oh and now Rammstein is murdering rich people. This auction is going super well.

52. Super mercenary leader guy has tranquilized the Indo Raptor to prevent it from breaking out of its cage and killing everybody so what does he do? If you said literally anything other than open the cage, climb into the cage and attempt to take a tooth from the raptor you are not nearly stupid enough to write this movie.

53. So now with Indo Raptor free, havoc is being unleashed. Indo Raptor is murdering people like crazy but has a lot of trouble with the heroes.

54. Like he can't even find them on the other side of a statue, despite scent being a strong trait of his (the sex of the Indo Raptor is not revealed but considering it rampages around killing things before dying stupidly I'm assuming it's a man)

55. Oh hey, Blue is healthy and has been released now. Dr. Wu (who is either crazy, high or just an ordinary guy) said the Indo Raptor would see Blue as his mother like half an hour earlier in the film. Surely that will lead to something other than a generic dinosaur fight...

56. Maisie has the utmost faith in the dumb waiter. She waits until the last second to slam it shut on the Indo Raptor despite having about 10 seconds in which she's just calmly sitting there, looking at it.

57. And now it's Nightmare on Elm Street with Maisie hiding under the covers from Indy (I'm just calling the Indo Raptor that now, I'm tired of typing Indo Raptor every time). Honestly, I can't even remember what saves her. It's not Owen, he's involved but ends up cowering on the bed with her. I'm going to say... Blue saves the day.

58. Rooftop fight during a dark and stormy night! And hey look, Claire's managed to find the Raptor Controlling Sniper Rifle and get up to the roof despite a massive leg wound (She's fine) and Owen is trying to lure the raptor over a glass ceiling above the dinosaur fossil room.

59. Here's a crazy idea. Indy is described and fundamentally stupid in that once he "locks" onto a target he doesn't stop until the target is dead so why not lock him onto something like a tree and then shoot him repeatedly while he tried to murder the tree.

60. Or you could lock him onto Owen. That is one way to get rid of your ex.

61. Whelp, your plan failed, turns out that while yes, Indy is too big to walk on the glass, he's not too big to walk on the steel support beams. Wait a second. It's Blue (the film completely abandoned that mother thing btw). Blue is back and he's crashing Indy down onto the fossilized skull of a triceratops, impaling him.

62. The danger is not over, no sir, did you think this was a normal stupid movie? Now we've got exploding Hydrogen Cyanide back in the secret dinosaur lab where Vet Girl and Nerdy Guy (yeah, he's randomly not a sailor again) try to save the dinosaurs but there's only one option.

63. Yes, it's a giant red button that might as well be labelled "Save the Dinosaurs"

64. A

65. Giant

66. Red

67. Button

68. Seriously

69. Fuck You Colin Trevorrow

70. Claire can't push it. She only spent the entire movie trying to save the dinosaurs but not that she literally only has to push a button she can't

71. But wait, here's Maisie, who, by the way, is a Clone. Of a random character never seen or heard from in the Jurassic Park mythos. She saves the dinosaurs because clones gotta stick together I guess...

72. Oh hey, Eli's still around. Eli, the mastermind behind the whole operation, who could have left at literally any time since the auction ended in the mass murder of illegal Serbian arms dealers has decided to just hang around the parking lot waiting for... a stampede of dinosaurs???

73. He gets eaten by a T Rex

74. I'd like to point out that Pteradactyls fly out of the tunnel during the stampede. They literally weren't seen or mentioned at all on the mainland or on the boat.

75. So now because a handful of dinosaurs have escaped into the California wilderness the world is over. The US government that was super happy to just let them die certainly wouldn't step in to hunt them down to try and maintain the balance of the local ecosystem or to, you know, protect their citizens.

76. Like if a bear ends up in a populated area it gets taken out. Imagine the reaction if a T Rex starts trying to eat people (or the lions in a zoo)

77. Or maybe if the giant water dinosaur starts eating surfers like it's in Jaws.

78. The post credits scene is a 3 second shot of Pteradactyls above the Vegas strip. This is a fucking stupid movie.