Theatrical Experience: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

Director - Ol Parker

Writers - Ol Parker, Richard Curtis and Catherine Johnson

Starring - Amanda Seyfried, Lily James, Pierce Brosnan, Christine Baranski, Julie Walters, Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard, Dominic Cooper, Cher

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again is The Godfather Part II to Mamma Mia's original Godfather. Boom. That's called a hook right there. Comparing the ABBA karaoke musicals to two of the most revered movies ever made. Boom. You're hooked. You need to keep reading to see how I justify it. Well, let me let you in on a little secret, it's all razzle dazzle, much like the outfits in this film.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again and The Godfather Part II are both simultaneously sequels and prequels to their predecessors. They use their structure to draw parallels between the main parental figurehead's life and how they got their station in the first film and the direction of their adult child's life after the events of the first film. The Godfather Part II explored Vito Corleone's violent rise to power in the criminal underworld as he became the titular Godfather while showing Michael's continued descent into the criminal life after assuming leadership as the end of The Godfather. Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again explored Donna's (James) post-graduation dreams as she travels to the Greek island of Kalokairi while having whirlwind romantic encounters with the three men who would go on to share paternity of Sophie by the end of Mamma Mia while Sophie (Seyfried) attempts to honour her mother's memory by reopening the Bella Donna Hotel on the same Greek island.

An Incomplete List of Stupid Things From Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

It's Colin Trevorrow's world and we're just living in it

It's no surprise that the newest mega budget dinosaur action blockbuster is a very stupid movie. It's the fifth movie in the Jurassic franchise and the fourth consecutive stupid entry. If you were expecting this movie, wherein the heroes of the Jurassic World get back together to go to an island that is literally exploding due to volcanic activity to save the dinosaurs, to be a smart, nuanced tale that expertly explores scientific methods, environmental protectionism and activism then you may be a direct relative of Colin Trevorrow (hello Colin's mom! I love your son's work, I sincerely mean that). Maybe you expected a reasonable, entertaining popcorn movie; well did you see the first Jurassic World? It was a fucking trainwreck of a film. And did you see The Book of Henry? That's the most special movie in the whole wide world.

Well I figured a movie of this magnitude couldn't possibly be covered by a normal review. It's such an avalanche of hilarious, stupid shit that trying to talk about it a normal, coherent manner is all but impossible. A word of warning though: I will not be holding back, there will be spoilers.

Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney Are Two for the Road

This Should Be Way More Famous: Two for the Road

Director: Stanley Donen

Writer: Frederic Raphael

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, Albert Finney

Welcome to a brand new feature here as Schurmann Film, This Should Be Way More Famous. I don't really feel the need to explain it, largely because I think anybody who truly needs the concept explained to them almost certainly won't be able to follow the twisting, non-linear story of Mark and Joanna Wallace's (Finney and Hepburn) various trips through southern France that make up the 1967 classic, Two for the Road.

Bill Murray Misses The Darjeeling Limited

Opening Act: The Darjeeling Limited

Welcome to Opening Act, an analysis of the greatest opening scenes in film history. Today, the black sheep in the Wes Anderson filmography, 2007's The Darjeeling Limited. Darjeeling is perhaps the only Wes Anderson film apart from his debut, Bottle Rocket, to not be held in high regard by his fans. Rushmore, The Royal Tenebaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Moonrise Kingdom, The Grand Budapest Hotel. All highly regarded films with perhaps the small exception being The Life Aquatic but I feel like that film has completely overcome its initial divisive reactions. The Darjeeling Limited however always seems to be near the bottom of Wes Anderson rankings though the consensus isn't that it is bad, merely that it isn't great. Personally, I think it's a film with a bunch of great moments but it just feels lacking in areas in ways that I can't quite put my finger on. The central relationship between the brothers played by Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman and Adrien Brody is great but something about it just feels like Wes Anderson on autopilot. But, let's move on, we're only here to talk about the amazing opening scene, Bill Murray racing through an Indian city to try and catch the titular train.

A Jared Leto Yakuza Netflix Movie??? There's No Way The Outsider Is Terrible!

The Outsider

Director - Martin Zandvliet

Writer - Andrew Baldwin

Cast - Jared Leto, Tadanobu Asano, Shiori Kutsuna, Min Tanaka, Kippei Shiina

It takes a total of 10 minutes before a characters commits (or more accurately, stages committing) harakiri in The Outsider, a journey into the heart of the Yakuza shortly after the destruction of World War II and our guide is Jared Leto. Following in the sacred footsteps of brave white men like Tom Cruise (The Last Samurai) and Sir Daniel Day-Lewis (The Last of the Mohicans), Jared Leto boldly plays a White man assimilating himself almost perfectly into a non-white culture. Of course, Cruise and Day-Lewis are mere amateurs compared to the method acting genius of Mr. Leto (or Leto-san because you gotta respect the craft). Who else would mail used condoms to his costars as an act of getting into character, wear blacked-out contact lenses to truly experience blindness, wax his entire body to win an Oscar for playing a woman or eat melted ice cream with olive oil and soy sauce so as to gain the necessary weight for a film literally nobody saw. Jared Leto is the truest thespian of our times.

2017 Schurmys - The Major Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

The Major Awards

Dunkirk

We're here. The last stop for the 2017 Schurmann Film Awards. We've handed out awards for everything from Visual Effects to Worst Ensemble and now it is time for the major awards. Everything else only barely counted. These are the big ones. These are the ones to put on your mantle for everybody to see. And now, the final step on the Schurmy journey for 2017, the Major Awards.

If you want to relive this journey, either in part or in full, here's a link to the hub containing links to all seven parts of the 2017 Schurmann Film Experience.

2017 Schurmys - Hall of Fame

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Hall of Fame

The Post

Today we are enshrining the second class of the Schurmy Hall of Fame. 5 legends of film and/or television will be given the greatest honour possible. A Schumy Hall of Fame induction.

A quick note on the rules for this Hall:
- No more than 5 inductees shall be honoured in a given year. Last year 10 were done but as the first year a larger class was allowed
- Eligibility shall be determined as being 30 years after the first relevant credit on IMDB or death, whichever comes first. Last year Philip Seymour Hoffman was the only honouree to meet eligibility in a tragic manner.
- Persons shall be eligible for work in the television and film industries across as role.
- Groups of persons shall be eligible only considering the work they accomplished together

2017 Schurmys - The Worst Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

The Worst of 2017

The Book of Henry

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel. The place where Colin Trevorrow makes twee family drama-brain cancer-vigilante murder films. The place where the director of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy just forgets to film half his movie and forces Scorsese's editor to try and make something of existing footage revolving around a character named Harry Hole. The place where Charlize Theron and Jarvier Bardem sexily brush their teeth at each other amidst random African genocides. This is the place where Will Smith waxes poetically about the status of fairy lives. These are the worst movies I saw from 2017. While I went out of my way to see some truly horrific trainwrecks I did not subject myself to shit like Transformers: Oh God Why Is King Arthur In This or Pirates of Caribbean: Johnny Depp Doesn't Want to Learn His Lines so consider this section to be less complete than the others.

2017 Schurmys - Genre Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Genre Awards

Your Name

Welcome to the Genre portion of the 2017 Schurmann Film Awards. This is where we celebrate the best comedies, science fiction films, action movies, documentaries, short films and many more. You know, the films that normally get overlooked by the typical awards circuit. Appearing in this section certainly doesn't disqualify a film from major awards, I just wanted to specifically highlight great feats of genre filmmaking.

2017 Schurmys - Television Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Television Awards

Bojack Horseman

Ah, television. I would like to officially welcome the medium to the Schurmann Film Blog. It's a big step in becoming a legitimate art form. In fact, I believe it only needs to get a former star elected to highest office in the land and oh wait... not him. He doesn't count. Let's just wait for President Oprah.

Anyways, welcome to the television section of the Schurmann Film Awards. I will be honouring the best the medium had to offer in 2017, or at least the best that I saw. There is so much television out there I can't even pretend that these awards are anywhere close to definitive. There's no Walking Dead or Big Bang Theory or Kit Harrington nominations so consider these to be above the Emmys but still below an actual awards ceremony like the Nobel Laureates. For your reference so you don't yell at me asking where season 3 of Fargo is (for the record I didn't really care for season 2 so I didn't watch season 3) I'll be linking a list of all the television I watched this year. That link is conveniently right here. And now, the 2017 Television Awards portion of the Schurmys.

2017 Schurmys - Technical Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Technical Awards

Wonder Woman

Welcome to the first batch of awards being handed out. These are the technical awards. You probably don't know the names of the people doing this work (and neither do I and I fully accept that that makes me terrible) but the work they do is as important as the famous stars wearing their costumes, parading around their sets or being buried by CGI. These unsung heroes get a chance to step into the spotlight today.

2017 Schurmys - An Introduction

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

An Introduction

Okja

Welcome to the 2017 edition of The Schurmys. This is the first year they will be taking place on this blog spread over multiple days instead of being released as one giant Google document on Oscar morning. This year I have a week long celebration of the best (and worst) of 2017 in film and television planned so be sure to come back every day to stay up to speed.

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

Hub

Molly's Game

Welcome to the 2017 Schurmann Film Awards (aka The Schurmys) where I honour the best (and worst) in film and television from the year that was 2017. This is the hub containing the schedule and links to the various posts.

Monday - Introduction (w/ Video Celebration)

Tuesday - Technical Awards

Wednesday - Television Awards

Thursday - Genre Awards

Friday - Worst Awards

Saturday - Hall of Fame Induction

Sunday - The Major Awards

I, Tonya

The Last Face Puts White Romance Over African Suffering

The Last Face

Director - Sean Penn

Writer - Erin Dignam

Starring - Javier Bardem, Charlize Theron, Adele Exarchopoulos

I'm going to just spare you the suspense on this one. This is a fucking terrible movie. Stop. Don't get excited. This isn't The Book of Henry or even The Snowman. No, this isn't even similar to another Cannes failure about White people existing in foreign lands, The Sea of Trees. This is a travesty of a film that doesn't even have the dignity to let the audience laugh at it (except for sexy tooth brushing). I'm going to do the best that I can to prevent you from ever seeing this film. You'll read things here and imagine them being hilariously terrible but don't bother. Sean Penn doesn't play by normal rules. He imagines this as a grand epic romance that also showcases the plight of Africans and inspires us to action. Well, Sean Penn is a fucking moron.

Mister Viewer, You Could Have Saved Yourself. I Gave You All the Clues.

Opening Act: The Snowman

The Snowman resembles a good movie for all of about 10 seconds. That's how long the beautiful shots of the frozen, desolate Norwegian wilderness look firmly establishing the isolation of a house. Once the film enters the house though, it immediately begins to fall apart in a completely dumbfounding manner. To put yourself in the proper headspace for what this movie is you only need to know one thing. It is about a police detective played by Michael Fassbender named Harry Hole tracking a serial killer who makes snowmen at crime scenes. It is not a comedy. This opening scene is a piece of backstory that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with Mr. Hole (Disclaimer: I have basically no idea what happens in this movie. It's a complete mess and I stopped caring about trying to put the pieces together especially once I realized that about half the pieces were missing because they didn't film the entire script. This is a bad movie.) but exists to establish the world. Take a look for yourself.

Schurmy Classics - 1957 Part III: The Big Ones

Schurmy Classics

Part III: The Big Ones

The Cranes Are Flying

Here it is, what you've patiently waited for. You may have even read the other parts of this edition of Schurmy Classics while you were waiting. I applaud you for doing so. Every award in this section will have honourable mentions because 1957 was too good to limit myself to just the nominees. You've already read too much to have to sit through more preamble so let's just move onto the awards.

Part I: Technical Awards
Part II: Genre Awards