2017 Schurmys - The Worst Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

The Worst of 2017

The Book of Henry

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel. The place where Colin Trevorrow makes twee family drama-brain cancer-vigilante murder films. The place where the director of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy just forgets to film half his movie and forces Scorsese's editor to try and make something of existing footage revolving around a character named Harry Hole. The place where Charlize Theron and Jarvier Bardem sexily brush their teeth at each other amidst random African genocides. This is the place where Will Smith waxes poetically about the status of fairy lives. These are the worst movies I saw from 2017. While I went out of my way to see some truly horrific trainwrecks I did not subject myself to shit like Transformers: Oh God Why Is King Arthur In This or Pirates of Caribbean: Johnny Depp Doesn't Want to Learn His Lines so consider this section to be less complete than the others.

Want an R-Rated Stranger Things? It Has You Covered

Bill (aka Henry): It's a boat
Narrator: Hey, that's the name of the movie

It

Director - Andres Muschietti

Writers - Chase Palmer, Cary Joji Fukunaga and Gary Dauberman

Starring - Jaeden Lieberher, Bill Skarsgard, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Sophia Lillis, Finn Wolfhard

It is Stranger Things with an R-rating told in movie form instead of Netflix series form. It features a ragtag group of children coming together to solve a supernatural problem in a very, very heavily 80s inspired story. Now, you may have loved Stranger Things and don't see this as a problem. But what if I told you that basically none of Stranger Things' strengths are present here. The kids are mostly wieners, there is no secondary adults story, there is a lack of depth to everything, and there's no cool score.

Theatrical Experience - Stupendously Wrong Edition - The Book of Henry

The Book of Henry

Director - Colin Trevorrow

Writer - Gregg Hurwitz

Starring - Naomi Watts, Jaeden Lieberher, Jacob Tremblay, Dean Norris, Sarah Silverman, Lee Pace, Maddie Ziegler

Why yes, that is an image of an 11 year old wearing stupid goggles, an old leather hat with a japanese character holding a plunger outside of his magical forest fort and yes, the film tries to use that outfit to set up its emotional climax. No, I have no idea what anybody on set was thinking. From the director of the upcoming Star Wars Episode IX, Colin Trevorrow (I think every Book of Henry review is legally required to mention that) comes what is easily the worst movie of the year so far. A word of warning, this film is best seen cold so I would encourage you to stop reading now, bookmark this page, see the movie, and then come back. This movie is a fucking avalanche of snowballs of bad ideas rolling down a hill barreling into everything incoherently generally making a giant mess.