An Incomplete List of Stupid Things From Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

It's Colin Trevorrow's world and we're just living in it

It's no surprise that the newest mega budget dinosaur action blockbuster is a very stupid movie. It's the fifth movie in the Jurassic franchise and the fourth consecutive stupid entry. If you were expecting this movie, wherein the heroes of the Jurassic World get back together to go to an island that is literally exploding due to volcanic activity to save the dinosaurs, to be a smart, nuanced tale that expertly explores scientific methods, environmental protectionism and activism then you may be a direct relative of Colin Trevorrow (hello Colin's mom! I love your son's work, I sincerely mean that). Maybe you expected a reasonable, entertaining popcorn movie; well did you see the first Jurassic World? It was a fucking trainwreck of a film. And did you see The Book of Henry? That's the most special movie in the whole wide world.

Well I figured a movie of this magnitude couldn't possibly be covered by a normal review. It's such an avalanche of hilarious, stupid shit that trying to talk about it a normal, coherent manner is all but impossible. A word of warning though: I will not be holding back, there will be spoilers.

2017 Schurmys - The Worst Awards

2017 Schurmann Film Awards

The Worst of 2017

The Book of Henry

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel. The place where Colin Trevorrow makes twee family drama-brain cancer-vigilante murder films. The place where the director of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy just forgets to film half his movie and forces Scorsese's editor to try and make something of existing footage revolving around a character named Harry Hole. The place where Charlize Theron and Jarvier Bardem sexily brush their teeth at each other amidst random African genocides. This is the place where Will Smith waxes poetically about the status of fairy lives. These are the worst movies I saw from 2017. While I went out of my way to see some truly horrific trainwrecks I did not subject myself to shit like Transformers: Oh God Why Is King Arthur In This or Pirates of Caribbean: Johnny Depp Doesn't Want to Learn His Lines so consider this section to be less complete than the others.

Theatrical Experience - Stupendously Wrong Edition - The Book of Henry

The Book of Henry

Director - Colin Trevorrow

Writer - Gregg Hurwitz

Starring - Naomi Watts, Jaeden Lieberher, Jacob Tremblay, Dean Norris, Sarah Silverman, Lee Pace, Maddie Ziegler

Why yes, that is an image of an 11 year old wearing stupid goggles, an old leather hat with a japanese character holding a plunger outside of his magical forest fort and yes, the film tries to use that outfit to set up its emotional climax. No, I have no idea what anybody on set was thinking. From the director of the upcoming Star Wars Episode IX, Colin Trevorrow (I think every Book of Henry review is legally required to mention that) comes what is easily the worst movie of the year so far. A word of warning, this film is best seen cold so I would encourage you to stop reading now, bookmark this page, see the movie, and then come back. This movie is a fucking avalanche of snowballs of bad ideas rolling down a hill barreling into everything incoherently generally making a giant mess.